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 Over
the past few years, I have had my first experiences with people
who sit in Sacred Circles and claim to follow the same native
traditions that I do, yet turn out to be doing so simply as a
way to seek acclaim and build their self-esteem at the expense
of others. They present themselves as good traditional people,
but all they truly want is to have the tallest pedestal in the
neighbourhood. The worst part of this is that, when challenged
in even the smallest way, such people go into an all-out attack,
spreading lies in an attempt to discredit those who see beneath
their masks. They don't seem to care who gets hurt, so long as
their spotlight keeps shining.
My first reaction to this has
been anger, and it always seems justified. After all, these
people have hurt me, have hurt people I care about, and have
even dirtied the memories of people who have passed on, all in
an attempt to cover their own behinds and keep their masks in
place.
However, I was attending a
small Circle some time ago, and arrived to find that one such
person was attending. After my initial "Oh no!" reaction, I had
a sudden clear perception of this person: small, broken, and
trying desperately to find a sense of self-worth in a venue that
they do not truly see as sacred. They sit in a Circle that is
full of love, light, and wonderful energy, and they cannot open
themselves to it because being sincere would require them to
just be an average person. So they huddle behind their mask,
seeking approval and esteem, but knowing all the time that any
approval expressed is for the mask, not for them.
In some ways, I think I know
how this feels. After Muin'iskw passed, I was horribly afraid
that the only reason I had been welcome in Circles and
gatherings was because I was her husband. The first time I went
to a gathering on my own, I was braced for rejection, almost in
tears at the idea of losing something so precious to me. My
relief at being accepted for who I am, and nothing more, was
indescribable.
So now I put myself in the
shoes of someone who wants desperately to be part of that
loving, accepting group, yet who does not feel that they are
accepted on their own merits. So they build a mask, and find
approval and acclaim, but always with the underlying knowledge
that it's the mask people like. That must create an ongoing
sense of worthlessness, that seems to be reaffirmed every time
they put that mask on in public. Worst of all, once the mask is
out there, they can never just throw the mask away and be
themselves, because then their lie is revealed.
I offer my thanks to the
spirits who opened my eyes and showed me the poor, small, broken
spirit that hides behind the mask. This insight has removed a
source of anger and negativity from my life, by giving me a
better understanding. I pray that these people will find the
strength to just be who they are, so they can open themselves to
all the beauty and love that surrounds them. I also pray that my
new understanding stays with me, so I can walk my walk in a
better way, without judgement or negative thoughts.
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